For me, it seems the internet hasn't been much different than my experiences in high school or my first real job complete with office politics and drama. I stop and think, duh, because of course anywhere you go where there are people, there is going to be politics and drama. My most personal drama? Fitting in. I struggled with fitting in when I was in high school, and the job I kept through college. And college itself. And now this thing called "real life" where I happen to spend a lot of time on the internet. I don't...ever fit in. Sometimes it looks like I do, but I don't. Not really. I never have. And all this not-fitting-in my entire life has created inside me a deep desire to remain different and odd - the kind of oddness that often leads to people thinking they like me for awhile and then letting go once they realize who's really beneath my sugary shell. Do I have a sugary shell? Hmmm...
The truth is that I am cynical and bitter with some sugary-sweet streaks running through it all. This strange mixture shows up in my writing, I think, which is why it will never truly balloon into something completely popular on a viral scale because it can leave an uneasy feeling. Not that I really desire to be that popular because I don't think I could take it. Then again, I look at some writers who stick to their very odd selves and do just fine. But what else can we do? We stick to what is us unless we start selling ourselves short (which I'm afraid happens quite frequently without us realizing it). I've sold myself short on many things in my life, but as I'm hiking through my thirties now, I'm starting that hike into a place where I'm finally figuring out who I really am. It's a lonely hike, for the most part, and feels very private, which is one of the reasons why I've been distancing myself more online.
I was really happy when I pulled away from the internet completely and wrote like a mad-woman on my novella Cinders in 2010. It felt so naughty to close my blog and tell the publishing industry to go take a freaking hike. That would be my rebel-self coming through. I've grown beyond that now, however. It was a necessary step. Now I suppose it's not me being cynical as much as it's me realizing what I need to do to stay me. If that makes any sense.
I think so often, especially in this age of the internet and immediate public responses, we tend to lose sight of who we really are and what we really want. We start thinking along the lines of what will get a response, what other people like to hear, what people complain about hearing, etc. For instance, I've heard that it's stupid if you post on Twitter and Facebook what you are eating. Who wants to hear about what you're eating? So I stopped posting what I was eating for a long time until I realized, HEY, I LOVE FOOD, and I'll post about food if I dang well want to post about food. So I did. And I still do. And that has carried over to this blog where my intention this year is to blog about what is truly me and not only things catered to what I think people want. That seems happily genuine! Which is what we all crave, isn't it?
This is what has happened for me. I can't really speak for anyone else, nor do I intend to. You may not care a jot about what other people think, in which I say I like you very much. And if you're like me and you get constantly distracted with what other people think and want, I like you very much. Because we're in the same boat. Want to jump out of it with me?
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